Introducing Frank and Tina Caputo.
Here’s the very real (to me) story of a woman named Tina and her husband Frank taking a trip together for their 35th wedding anniversary. They are Italians who hail from a small village called Long Island, New York. They are visiting Italy without their grown kids for the first time.
Act 1 — Frank and Tina arrive at their hotel.
“It’s fucking freezing, Frank!” —Tina
Ciao / Ciao Pix / BACKGRID
“Then put on your coat. I didn’t spend a fortune on this fur for you to freeze.” —Frank
Xpos / Cobra Team / BACKGRID
“Frankie, I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just throw my fur at me like that. You’re jet lagged, go take a nap.” —Tina
Xpos / Cobra Team / BACKGRID
“Baby, let’s just enjoy our time without Bobby, Ricky, and Vinnie. Look at my sweater! I’m wearing a frickin’ turtleneck. I look like a movie star. Let’s go find some moozarell.” —Frank
Xpos / Cobra Team / BACKGRID
Act 2 — Frank and Tina get dressed
“Can we hurry, Frank? We have reservations in 15 minutes and you’re still on the toilet!” —Tina
Xpos / COBRA TEAM / BACKGRID
“Look Frankie, I’m wearin’ my scarf today, don’t I look cute?” —Tina
Xpos / @LucaSgro / BACKGRID
Act 3 — Frank and Tina try food
“Here Frank, try this, it’s delicious. You gotta try it. Here, have some. Open up, take a bite, here.” —Tina
“That was delicious sweetie, thank you. Next time, though, how bout youz let me hold it. I almost choked!” —Frank
Act 4 — Frank and Tina get romantic
“Tina, hop on, I got us a surprise.” —Frank
Ciao / Ciao Pix / BACKGRID
“Frank!!! Are you sure you know how to drive this thing? I don’t know about this, Frank!!!” —Tina
Ciao / Ciao Pix / BACKGRID
“FRANKIE SLOW DOWN. FRANK, I SAID SLOW DOWN. I’m not kidding!!!!! I’M NOT GONNA DIE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL TRIP TO ITALY!!!!!!” —Tina
Xpos / VERONESI / BACKGRID
“Alright, you’re fine, we’re off, we’re off. Look, let me carry you cause I’m a romantic guy, and this is a romantic trip, and you’re my beautiful wife.” —Frank
Ciao / Ciao Pix / BACKGRID
“Now I’m gonna row this boat for us, see! And you thought I wasn’t a chivalrous man. I’m chivalrous. I’m rowing my baby on a boat on a lake in Italy!” —Frank
Xpos / VERONESI / BACKGRID
“Frank, you are SUCH a macho man! My strong husband! I can’t believe they named this lake after the governor of New York*. Mr. Cuomo, his brother Chris such a handsome man.” —Tina
Xpos / VERONESI / BACKGRID
*Tina doesn’t realize it’s Lake COMO, not lake CUOMO.
“Let’s not talk politics, Tina. Let’s just enjoy this boat that I’m rowin’ while you just sit there!!” —Frank
Xpos / VERONESI / BACKGRID
“Oh Frankie, I love you. Give me a smooch, and now let’s go get that moozarell!” —Tina
Xpos / VERONESI / BACKGRID
They both laugh so hard their bellies hurt. THE END.
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