Caitlin Murray is a mom of three, author of the upcoming book “Get Yourself a Snack,” and the creator behind @bigtimeadulting on Instagram.
Dads are going to get something wrong on Mother’s Day. That’s just the way it is.
Unless they’re just, like, this insanely intune human — or a replica of their wife — they’re going to do something that isn’t the way that she would do it. But that’s fine because they’re not the same person, and that is what makes the world go round.
Moms are just so burnt out from making so many decisions. We see the way things are going to happen before they even happen. We’re like in perimenopause along with the absolute oh-my-god chaos of May and raising school-aged children. I don’t know what I’ll be like every morning when I wake up. I might cry when my kids do something cute. Or I might burn the house down.
Dads really don’t stand a chance.
The standard was set right at the very beginning. On my first Mother’s Day in 2014, I was really disappointed.
I think my husband got me some flowers, and that was kind of it. We maybe had brunch at our house with his mom. I just wanted to feel it, to feel that the day was special. But I didn’t.
I was so unprepared for how hard being a mom would be. Everyone told me about the excitement and the joy, but I was completely underinformed about the absolute treachery of being a mom to a newborn while recovering from a C-section.
Because I was so shocked by how hard it was to be a mom, I thought my first Mother’s Day would be this moment for me … but it didn’t feel at all special. There was just no possible way that anything my husband did could have made me feel the way that I felt that I deserved to be celebrated for what I had just done in the first year of my first kid’s life.
Why doesn’t the thought of Mother’s Day conjure up the overwhelming joy that we’re told mothers feel? It doesn’t happen on Mother’s Day because it doesn’t happen on any day. Once you become a mom, your days are filled with both joy and torture. It’s impossible to have one without the other.
I haven’t had a single Mother’s Day that I would describe as ideal, but I also don’t place as much importance on the day anymore.
In the beginning, I thought I wanted to have this ideal celebration of motherhood on Mother’s Day. And now I think I’d rather literally have zero pomp and circumstance around the day. Since I want my three kids around me for part of the day at least, I expect (and often receive) the occasional annoyances that go along with that.
Moms, pick one thing that you’re looking forward to that day. Make it small. Make it feasible. Do it for yourself.
Remember that Mother’s Day does not have to be the best day ever. It shouldn’t make or break the way you feel about who you are as a mom.
Dads, whatever you do, just ensure your wife feels the love on Mother’s Day. Make all the decisions, but don’t make any wrong ones.
You can even throw in a disclaimer, like, “I’m probably not going to get this all right, but I do want you to know that I appreciate everything you do for the kids and I love you.”
You’re still set up to fail. But hey, at least this can lessen the disaster.
This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY:
